Braveheart

People are always telling me that I remind them of Mel Gibson in Braveheart. It’s because I’m so brave. If you know me, you also know that I am not prone to exaggeration, I’m never dramatic, imaginative, or afraid of anything. I’m being sarcastic. However, the following events described REALLY happened and if you don’t believe me you can email crystal at crystal.beauchemin@gmail.com.

So there I was. It was 1 am and I was in my party dress holding a saw. I was wearing a party dress because had I just ran out of clean clothes and I’ve only known my roommates for a month and so I’m not ready for them to see me sleeping naked, yet. So I was sleeping in my party dress.

Let me start from the beginning. I was laying in my bunk bed, wide awake because I had just been up to use the bathroom, when I heard a loud clanging at the back door. It was the sound of someone trying very hard to get in. After about 8 to 10 seconds it stopped. I lay there not moving and not breathing. About 20 seconds later I heard what can only be described as the sound of someone being strangled. In my mind, I was picturing the attackers strangling our poor old guard, Abu. Abu is a solid 90 lbs. and could never defend us against what I was estimating to be 4 to 6 attackers. I’m pretty sure if it came to it, I could even defeat Abu in a physical challenge.

Anyway, moments after the gurgling sound, came the sound of footsteps walking around the house. As someone who was raised on countless episodes of Murder She Wrote as a toddler, I was very aware that this was not the time to just roll over and go to sleep. For about 1 minute I thought about whether to wake someone up and tell them what I’d heard. I decided to say something. “Is anyone else awake?” I whispered. “Yes” said Corrie. I told her what I’d heard and she said she’d heard it too. At that point Crystal heard us talking and got scared and wanted to know what we should do. When I realized everyone else was scared, I started thinking, “Wow this is really happening. This is how it’s going to go down.” I reached for my swiss army knife which I keep under one of the slats of the bed above me. I was shaking so hard and fumbling that I could only get the 2 inch saw out. Corrie said we should get the boys but none of us wanted to leave the room. I couldn’t find my cell phone to call them and instead, I ended up accidentally dumping a ton of coins out onto the floor, which made us all jump. Corrie got up and went and woke the boys. They went out to the front door to check on Abu who was sleeping all cozy on his mat.

Now is about the time I started to feel like an asshole and I began to pray that someone would attack us just so that I wouldn’t look like the jerk who had turned on all the lights and woken up 5 people I barely know. I assured everyone that I was the one that probably frightened the attackers away when I dropped all the coins on the floor. Azar and Matt think that it was Abu just trying to get into the house to turn on the porch lights and that the gurgling sound was probably him just spitting or coughing. About now you’re probably wondering where my machete was in all of this. Ironically, earlier in the day, I had lent Abu my machete because he was going to the field. He thought I was giving it to him and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was only lending it so I just let him keep it. I don’t even use it that much anyway because it makes my arm tired to cut grass at a 45 degree angle like that. I also find it ironic that the man that is supposed to be protecting us is the one that actually scared us by trying to get into the house. Abu, or should I say JUDAS, is not going to be getting any more machete gifts from me.